Automatic Stop
by hamaell
Summary: Rated to be safe. "He wants out, but for some reason he just can't help himself." Not BETA'd.


**Author's Note:**

Have any of you any idea of how many songs that seem to fit in with l and Light's relationship? I'm just starting to realize how many they are. Thanks to one of them, this fic came to life. I had to write something else, or the development of Silent Shout would have been put on hold due to a major writer's block.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note or the Song "Automatic Stop" by The Strokes.

**xxx**

_So many fish there in the sea_

_I wanted you, you wanted me_

_That's just a phase it's got to pass_

_I was a train moving too fast_

This was not how things were supposed to end up, he thinks while his clothes are removed and his fingers are working the buttons on Light's shirt; indulging shamelessly in the feeling of the soft skin rubbing against his own. He abandons thought in favour of feeling and he lets himself do what he's doing without thinking or even caring about the consequences.

Kissing, touching, _feeling_.

It's just sex. At least that's what they tell themselves every time their clothes go and then end up naked and panting next to each other in the big bed, the only piece of furniture in the room they share.

If Light doesn't take initiative to sex (and he almost never does), it's him who will, and it will be quick and violent because he just can't contain himself. Light wants to be careful but he doesn't care, and since he's the one whose desperate it's always him who gets his way; though he rarely knows exactly what he wants. Is it Light or just the physical exhaustion that helps him sleep? He's not sure, but he likes to tell himself it's the latter. It's safer that way.

Once it's done, things are always awkward. He can't even look at Light without blush a deep crimson red and start stuttering, and being chained together isn't helping matters at all. Light isn't in any better state, but at least he has enough self-control left to control his hormones.

He hasn't.

He is brought back to presence when Light whispers loving words in his ear and strokes his sides; when the pain finally dulls away Light moves carefully until he feels the tightening that started in his throat travel down down down until it reaches his groin and he comes hard while Light watches him. Then Light climaxes too, a groan buried in the skin of his shoulder.

Afterwards they lie still, panting and not touching, but glancing shyly at each other every once in a while.

He isn't sure of anything anymore.

_So many fish there in the sea_

_She wanted him, he wanted me_

_That's just a phase it's got to pass_

_I was a train moving too fast_

Sometimes he wishes that the annoying blonde didn't exist. He loathes how she can be so close to Light publicly. She kisses him, hugs him, touch him. And there is nothing he can do about it. So what does he do? He sits. He sits and he hates. The only thing he can take comfort in is that Light does not return her feelings like she thinks he does. He hates her too, but for some reason he can understand Light puts up with her presence anyway; puts up with the kisses and the hugs and the loving words and constant giggling. He can't do it, but he clenches his fists and bites back on the nasty comments threatening to break through his closed lips.

He can't allow anything to show.

That's the hardest bit, he thinks. He doesn't know feel or what Light feels, but somehow they're supposed to understand everything and never make any mistakes. Sometimes he wonders if maybe the first mistake they made was meeting each other, and then it all escalated from there.

Most of the time, he tries to convince himself that he does not need Light's intimacy, that he does not long for his fingers and his lips. He feels out of control, like his hormones are getting the best of him and therefore he's acting the way he does.

But Light seems so certain. He seems to know exactly what he wants and doesn't seem afraid to take it. Doesn't seem afraid to take him.

_So many fish there in the sea_

_I wanted you, you wanted me_

_Why can't you wait?_

_I'm gonna give it a break_

_I'm not your friend (I never was)_

They fight. A lot. To rid themselves of all the irritation, to make things less frustrating. He feels as if they're standing still; more and more people are dying, but Kira doesn't seem to leave any traceable evidence behind. He's getting more and more depressed; solving a case has never taken this long before. And as a result, he (he who never admitted defeat, him who never failed) feels hopeless; useless.

His relationship with Light is suffering, too. Light seem so different. Look different, feels different, acts differently. He doesn't know what to make of it yet, but he knows that whatever change Light has been through it's only made things worse. There is this evil glint in his eyes, like a permanent glare only he can see. Light denies it, of course, but he can't help but wonder.

They go from lovers to friends to enemies; a slow chain of events that eventually leads them to a breaking point; suddenly it just seem too much and for the first time he feels as if he's gone over his head this time. He wish there was a button he could push that would first stop them and then rewind them, to the point where it all started so that he can do it all over again and make it right.

But Light is too important to him now.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he recognizes the fact that things have happened too fast and too soon. The risk of everything coming to a sudden stop is hanging over his head. It's like they only have so much time together, and when time runs out it will just stop automatically and he'll be left in the cold again. He wants out, but for some reason he just can't help himself.

_I know you warned me_

_But this is too important_

_And now I've got a different view_

_It's you_


End file.
